We Are All Human

I don't know how many people actually read my blog, or even care. But, I really don't care because this is a sounding board for me, for the most part. Since, I don't make friends easily. That comes from having a troubled childhood.

I hate that people have these little traits, habits, and so forth that society deems in a way that is either good or bad. Take for example, the school shootings, most recently in Connecticut. I wish people would stop saying that it was because so and so was bullied, a loner, and such what not. Or the adults saying that they had no idea, or that nothing was reported. They are both such cop outs. I WAS BULLIED, STALKED, and HURT. There was not even one time that I ever thought to turn my pain on those that would do that. I just wished that they would get to know me.

Really, what is so wrong with me? Don't we as a people get enough of being told what society wants us to hear. Look at the glorification of selfish behavior, and zero self-accountability. One of facebook friends shared a story on how a child that is supposedly ADHD and OCD said that she needed to be a leader in this group, because they needed to do what she told them to do. What is my generation and younger teaching their progeny? That it's not their problem, but someone else's. You don't have to do the work, but you will get all the rewards.  Society's code of conduct isn't even stable, look at what happens if a girl believes a guys' pleading. She is a slut, but he is stud. They both have that sin, yes I said that evil word and I will say it again, sin but only one is stoned in societies purview. 

Instead, of saying that kids can be cruel, lets take the time to teach our children what is acceptable and what is not. I mean it! Stop watching the comedies that say it is amusing, if someone gets hurt by what another says or does, or the shows that say that it is alright if you don't apply yourself, as long as you meet the public's image of beauty and popularity.

I say it is time for a new kind of revolution. Not a revolution of blood, but of returning to kindness, simplicity, LOVE. Take the time, to teach character, that its alright if things don't go the way you have wanted. That putting someone else before yourself is strength, not weakness. If someone isn't liked, or doesn't seem to have any aquaintaces, to say the least. DON"T LET THEM SHUT YOU OUT!!!! And, I am talking from personal experience. I have a very difficult time talking about myself. Because, most people wouldn't show me the kindness of getting to know me and finding my interesting.

DRAW THEM OUT!!!!

I can list all of my insecurities that society says that means that I am not worthy. One, for example, I have a slight speech impediment. Years of speech therapy and I still have to work on how I say the words, or if I have the correct word. So, I will never be a wonderful oratator, and some times my spelling will not be correct.I am human, oh wait we are all human.

Contemplation

I just can't help, but feel supremely lonely, at the moment.  A friend and I were talking yesterday, and he reminded me about how much I was tormented in High School. I am not saying this to put any one down, I did have some really good friends.

But, it got me to thinking. Have I really changed from high school? Have any of us really changed? I am still very lonely. In the past I enjoyed Halloween, but now all it does is feel me with dread. All halloween is, anymore, is the reminder that the family/loved one holidays are coming. Four months of reminding me of the blessings, I have not been allowed to have. Please, don't get me wrong; I love seeing my siblings and their children, and how much they have grown. How every day, most people know of the emotion of knowing that no matter what, they are LOVED and CARED for.

What Is My Major Mental Disorder?!

What in the world is my serious mental affliction? Why is it that I am seemingly incapable of having or creating friends? Or, even those that can inveigle upon me some sense of appreciation, nay even a concern about me?

Why is it that I try to do the correct thing, or even stand up for myself, it is still incorrect? If the rules are that NO ONE does such and such a thing, then why is alright for everyone else to do it, and not me? Take for example, it is seemingly alright for people to sit down and have fun, or even to have a small break, once in awhile; but I do that for even a minute and it is wrong.

No matter, what I try to accomplish it never seems to go the way it should. I am educated, but am always in menial work. I love working with people, but people seem to have an intense dislike for me. I can't seem to ask questions, but everyone else can ask the questions that I have and even have them answered or acknowledged.

I am not a person that is comfortable in the masses. Never have been. I am not comfortable having any type of spotlight on me. I know that there are a lot more people out there that are better suited for such limelight. That is, not to say, that I dislike having some praise; but I just seem to not do anything worthy of praise.

I can't seem to show any interest in others' lives, at least how they seem to think I should. I can't ask questions, because it should be, in their words 'none of my concern'. So, how can one have any type of life; if all one is told is that they are defective.

Ruminating on antecedent repercussions

As the event of my birth, draws ever closer. I begin to question why I am here. Not in the way of positional versus fate; but in a deep and ever thoughtful quest.

I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and all I can say is that evidently I am not learning the lesson He thinks that I need to grasp. What is it about me that makes everyone eschew from? This is not something that I have recently been pondering either. Yes, I am reserved, but I still do enjoy life. I love everyone, with the exceptional few; but they are still my spiritual kin. I know what I like, try to ask for help.

Wait, maybe that is my issue. With the exception of a few choice people, I rarely get any help. THANKS MOM & DAD!!! Or, if I ask a question, I either get overlooked or treated with abhorrence. It does not help that I was one of those people in school. You know the ones I am referring to. So that has left me feeling like I really don't deserve a lot.

Now, I am by no means a Saint; but I do try my best. I can continuously ramble about my insufficiencies in the world of social graces. Maybe because I was sick a lot as a child, or possibly other reasons that are not fit to post to the world in general.

Hopefully, this year will better. Thank you for reading the unwanted musings of my mind.

Diabetes

Two months ago, I was diagnosed with Diabetes, so not only am I trying to live a life of singlehoodness; but also a life with diabetes. Some people I work with are great, and some a just special spirits.

So, instead of having a blog about being single in a married world; I should change this into a commentary about living a life that is full of challenges. With no further ado's, let me present this challenge.

I could really use your help. As you may or may not know, I am participating in the Step Out for Diabetes walk that is coming up on 09/24 in the beautiful city of Salt Lake. I am really falling behind on the fundraising part. Please follow the link and search for my name, I would really appreciate it. Go to www.diabetes.org/stepout, pick on donate and enter Sabrina Putman, or Team Unity. Your donation will help in finding a cure for this disorder. Please and Thank you.

Osama bin Laden

I am saddened by the deaths that this person caused, and the fact that every one is centered on the US deaths. This man caused so many deaths, instead of talking he would attack.

Now, I know that there was some animosity he held towards, almost everyone on the planet. But he is also a testament to what holding on to that anger, and hate can do to a person. He is still a child of our Heavenly Father, he is still our brother. So, I do not understand why the world is celebrating the death of a soul. Yes, his works were evil; but, we do not know everything about his life, that would make him want to make war upon a person, group, or nation.

I say that this is a time for some reflection, on the past ten years, on our values and beliefs, on everything. I remember that after the attack on the World Trade Center how the nation came together, and for six months every one cared for one another. Now, questions on if the President was born on U.S. soil or not, if you don't like another person's music, or even the atmosphere of partying.

Heavenly Father, please help my brother bin Laden, to find the peace that through his actions, he could not find here in his second estate.

Jesus taught that we should turn the other cheek, be humble unto are fellow people, and not treat each other with contempt or derision. Look at the person on the bus, in the car next to you, standing in line; what is your first thought, is it kind, understanding, or one of rudeness.

Our society is slowing going down a road of no one else is right, but I'm right. Where political correctness is running rampant. I am not saying that all the changes that have happened in the past 200 plus years are wrong. Equality is good, Racism in our language is slowly going away. But, when did it ever become alright to hate another person, just based on the color of their skin.

Diabetes

This week, I was diagnosed with Diabetes. I am just frustrated that I tried not to get this disease and still got it. So, the reason that I am posting this to the world is first, I would like to participate in the Step Out for Diabetes walk that is happening here in Salt Lake City, on September 24. So if anyone would like to join my team, hook up with me and I will tell you when you can register. Or you can also help with raising money for research.

2011 New Year's Resolutions

Financial

• Pay off all my debt, again...
• Have all accounts in one institution
• Have 1/2 a down payment saved

Social

• Have at least one date by my birthday
• Set aside one day a month for activities

Educational

• Get started into some classes; ie DATC

Religious

• Study the scriptures once a day
• Be prepared for weekly lessons

Personal

• Hit the gym once a month
• Walk at least once a week
• Read one new book a month

Haunted Utah Tour

Talk about the perfect Halloween moon.

A picture of the crematorium.

There was nothing around this tree to explain the light.

The following pictures are from Memory Grove.

The little slashes across the pictures, I really can't explain.

Believe me when I say that the light in the middle is the moon.

Why is it that when I try to receive some input on how I perceive things, that I get told that I am arguing? I know that my life has not been normal, to say the least; but I mean come on.

I am sure that how I perceive and receive information, is not how anyone perceives the exact same information. In reality, who does. In my communication class, that is called interpretational communication. Just try to describe an aspen to someone who's only idea of a tree is, say, an olive tree. It is all open to interpretation. And in reality, not everyone is correct.

Just this week, I offered to help somebody, and that person took it to mean that I was giving an attitude. So, when I had asked for some information, trying to give some background also, so I can interpret better, I get told that I am arguing.

I am just so frustrated. In a lot of aspects of my life, I really don't feel wanted, or needed, even. Take for example, I work just has hard as another person, that person received praise and acknowledgment, whereas I received a half-hearted congratulations. Is it so wrong to want to have some proof that one is wanted?

How to change?!

Last week, my employment schedule was changed. So now that I can do exercises a little, okay a lot more, often. But how does one get motivated.

Pathetic musings of a confused female

Let me preclude this entry with saying that no one needs to worry about me.

Lately, I have been having feelings of not being worthy. Worthy to have a successful career, in the field that I worked so hard to get into. Having long term relationships. Of ever having someone, outside of my family, who truly cares for me. Or even wanting to get to know me.

I have tried numerous dating sites, and not one person wanting to get to know me. It's bad enough, thinking that I probably don't have anything to offer anyone; but to have that reflected back just hurts. What is so awful about me, what is so truly repugnant, that people can't take the time to see what is inside. For the whole of my life, or so it seems, I have had to battle with the public's conception of what and who I am.

I know that growing up, I did not take the best of care in my appearance, that I probably come off as just bizarre. Please someone interrupt me when I have gone too far. But, how can one change one's appearance or attitude, when no one approaches her and says, "Hey, I know that you have had it rough, but there are people out there that truly care about what happens to you."

Sorry just had to get that off my chest.

February in Review

I know that I am not the best when it comes to my e-sharing. But, I thought that I would share some of my highlights and other things that have happened this month.

As many of you know on January 16th, I finally received my endowments in the Jordan River Temple. It was just a wonderful experience, and it is something that every worthy LDS member should do. I am sure that if you are out there saying things like, 'Just because the prophets have said I should, doesn't mean that it is for me' or 'I am just not worthy (ready, any expectation word here); I know I have thought some thing along those same lines. But that is what is so great about the gospel, the simpleness of the atonement. If you can partake of the small and simple things, then you can partake of the greater blessings.

There has only been one week in which I did not attend the temple. Let me tell you, that felt a little weird, ending one week and starting another without partaking of that great and wonderful blessing. I am so blessed to be living in an area that have so many wonderful buildings in which to choose from. Salt Lake is by far my most favorite, followed closely by Jordan.

I have began a couple of new blogs, two of them are because of a new requirement for school. Well, it was actually supposed to be one, but I was having a little problem with creating tabs on that site, so I just created a second one. If you would like to view them, one is www.SPutman.wordpress.com; and the other is www.SPutmanSLCC.weebly.com. The last blog I will mention later.

Finally, my one of my doctors would like me to try a different type diet. And I am going to do it. The South Beach Diet, as it has been named. It has been designed by a Cardiologist, and almost everyone who have done this diet, has had major success. The South Beach Diet book written by Arthur Agastino (I believe that is how the name is spelled) explained why certain diets, even those sponsored by the National Health Centers, just plain do not work. And why that most people who even eat a 'healthy' diet, still have problems with weight. I won't go into a whole lot of detail, that is what my other blog is for. You can go to www.SouthBeachResearch.blogspot.com.

I think that is enough for right now, just one little thing. As some of you know, I had a minor procedure done on my jaw, and am doing great. I just go to therapy about twice a week, and also pay attention to some of my stresses and the reactions I have to them; to ensure that I don't have any more issues.

Good luck, and see you all later.

A Couple of New Blogs

I don't know if any of my readers are interested. I have a couple of education blogs, and a research blog.

The education blogs are due to a new requirement, at least for Salt Lake Community College, starting the next semester, but for my meterology class I needed at the start of this semester.

And the research blog is something that I hope will help some people. My hepatologist believes that this will help with my goals of losing weight, that with one of my conditions makes it nearly impossible to do. So, since I do not know a lot about this nutrition program. And, I know that I don't know a lot of about the South Beach Diet, and probably most of the world, so I will be chronologically chronicle. I will even include pictures, and maybe even some video. If I can get a video camera, that can upload to my computer.

Education Blogs

www.SPutmanSLCC.weebly.com
www.SPutman.wordpress.com

Research

www.sputmansouthbeachresults.blogspot.com

Temple Attendance

On January 16th, I received my endowments. It was such a beautiful experience. My parents, Amy Bess, Emily, Rachel,and Maggie were there to support me. I am so glad that I so many people there to help me, and the beautiful temple in which I had chosen. Unfortunately, Katie, Uncle Ellsworth and Aunt Cheryl were unable to attend. I wish I could have done it while my sister was in town. It would have been great if she could have been there, but the Lord's timing is His and not mine.

Since then, I have been to the Ogden Temple and the Bountiful Temple. Katie and I will also be going to the Bountiful Temple on Thursday. Last night, I did some family ordinance work for Great-grandma Downs and her mom. It was really great to be able to do that work. And on Thursday, I will be finishing that work. Talk about a really busy temple fun. But, I really would not miss this for anything. I just wish that I had done it earlier. But like I said earlier, it is all on the Lord's time.

2009 in review; and 2010 goals

In 2009, I graduated with my technical degree in Medical Assisting with a 3.25 cumulative GPA. I have also worked on receiving my endowments, finish my Associates of General Studies and making plans to continue on for my Bachelors.
I have not been able to lose some weight, but this year it will be easier with not having to drive to campuses all around the valley. I get to take a trip outside of the country this year, and hopefully get to do more than that. I am planning on taking my certification test in April, along with my Radiology Limited test. Hopefully, I will also be able to get my own place in this coming year.

Men

I really don't know what to do about my life. I try to live my life according to how Jesus would like me to live, but sometimes I wonder why Jesus wants me to be alone. What could I possibly be doing wrong that the male species, if they even really notice me, that I am only considered a friend.
Is it that I am friendly and outgoing? That I view the world in an entire method that is not coinciding with the world's views. I just do not know what more I can do.

Medical Assistant Graduation

It is official. I am finally graduated from the Medical Assisting program. Now if I can only get hired and begin my brand new career.

My Favorite Michael Jackson Song

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I wonder why everytime I think that my life is going to get easier; it never does. When I was younger, I dreamed that I would be married, taking care of my own family and seeing some type of peace in the world. Now I have a pair of cousins, that are currently in marital strife, all because one leaned on external force, instead of the Lord or the internal part.

School is going alright. Last semester, I earned a 3.8 g.p.a. I was so estactic. I really worked hard on that. Now if I could only get some help on the tuition, so that I can finish my Associates. I know have new education goals, as soon as I get my AGS, I want to achieve my Bachelors. I am leaning towards Business, but also I have always been good at English, Computers, Fine Arts. I just need to get my life in enough of an order to understand what Heavenly Father wants me to accomplish in this time of my life.

I wish that I could find someone who can accept me for me. I love that my siblings have found that with thier spouses. I love seeing that Ryan and Sabrina are perfectly paired, and Richard and Bambi are both athetlically inclined but at the same time are able to challenge and accept each other.